Life continues, and we move forward.

So, side note, its been a year and a half since I've posted. I don't even know if these are relevant posts anymore, so I'll read after my entry.

Back to the point... 

Its truly hard to put yourself out there, on a limb, and wait in limbo for 14 weeks, only to find out the net you thought was there to catch you isn't at all. You fall, land, ugly cry it out, feel all the emotions, and then try to pick yourself back up. Life doesn't stop, and life doesn't care. This is all too familiar to me in my lifetime.

I've recently completed a challenge, well two challenges, and lost both of them. One was certainly not surprising when its a worldwide challenge, but the other I sure did have my hopes up high and tried my damn hardest to be the winner. In the end, life and God said otherwise, and I'm left on the west coast, without my family, to pick up the pieces of my broken heart alone. Hence, my bloggging. I need to get this all out of my head. 

All my life, I've dreamed of becoming someone that inspired others, and someone who was recongizable. As I get older, the more I wonder if that dream will ever come true and what the purpose of my life really is. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels EVERYWHERE I go. SERIOUSLY. On top of that, I feel like I can't express myself fully without judgement from others and without stirring up the water and causing problems I don't need or want. 

The truth is, after having my hopes up so damn high for the outcome of this challenge after making the top 24, I'm not sure I will compete in another one if there is ever another one. I can't handle the disappointment of putting myself out there for something that would make my dreams come true, just to be denied. But at the same time, if I never try, I will certainly never get where I want to be.

Running is therapy; lifting is empowering.

I refuse to complete a traditional half marathon training program for this half-marathon that I'm running in November. I guess you could say I'm going with what some might say is running "YOLO" style. I just can't bring myself to doing long, boring runs for the next 12ish weeks. It just isn't gonna happen. I will get bored and my knees will scream at me daily. It will make work miserable as a physical education teacher considering I'll be on my feet moving for at least 80% of my day. I just can't bring myself to doing all these steady state cardio runs and burning through muscle. Yes, I'm not willing to sacrifice my muscle that I've been trying really hard to gain.

So, what am I going to do? I'm gonna follow a typical lifting plan and incorporate HIIT runs with at least one long run a week. I've already tested my endurance last week and I'm able to run almost 8 miles with no problem and only finishing 2 minutes behind my race pace. The half marathon is 13.1 miles on November 16. I'm not worried about traditional training -- at all.

Why the title of this post?
Well, it is the exact reason why I won't give up running for good -- even though my knees would probably prefer it. And it is the reason I won't stop lifting to focus on running. To me, there is no better time to reflect on how I feel and what is going on in my life than heading out the front door with my iPod on my arm and sneakers hitting the pavement one step at a time. It is my therapy. It is my drug. I absolutely refuse to give into today's society where it is pills, pills, and more pills to deal with the stresses of life. Sometimes I get really down, but I don't want anti-depression pills to be my crutch. A lot of the time I get really anxious over the unknown (the future, money, everything), and I refuse to take anti-anxiety pills to help me deal with my issues. WHY? Because I want to feel everything. I want to be human. Also, because I get my mind sorted out when I walk into the gym and put iron in my grip or head out the front door with nothing but pavement to guide my heart. THAT is my pill. That is my drug. And until that stops working for me, I will not be going to get on pills. I dare any of you reading this to start running or lifting for 12 weeks (especially when you're stressing out) and not have it change your life. I love knowing that if I were to ever be faced with a life or death situation I would be able to at least put up a good fight because I'm healthy and strong. Thank you, exercise, for empowering me with those feelings.

Anyway, this week I started the Erin Stern Elite Body 4 week Trainer. So far I like it I think. I joined a challenge on bodybuilding.com that lasts for 6 weeks in order to keep myself motivated. The top female winner has a grand prize of $12,500 and it was free to enter. So I figured I had nothing to lose (except inches and fat) and everything to gain (muscle, money, and/or food).

Today's training was a cardio/abs day. It was an interval day for 30 minutes but she wasn't specific about what intervals you had to do. So I had fun with the treadmill. Fun & treadmill don't usually go hand in hand in the same sentence, but you don't have to be boring when you're at the gym!! This is what today's workout looked like for the cardio portion:

5 minute bike warm up
0-1 minute walk on treadmill speed 4.0
1-11 minutes 30 seconds on 30 seconds off sprints. First 5 minutes speed 10 second 5 minutes speed 10.5
11-25 minutes incline at 5% jog/walk 1 minute walk speed 4.0 1 minute jog race pace (speed 6.0)
25-25:30 minutes return to flat at a walk speed 4.0
25:30-30 minutes jog slightly faster than race pace speed 6.5
30-35 minutes cool down walk at speed of 3.5

I felt really good after this workout! It went quickly because I was changing it up throughout. My lungs were burning and so were my quads. Everything I was looking for in this workout! If you try it have fun!! All you need to get through a workout is a good playlist and a great mindset. :)

I don't go to the gym to look pretty. I get work done!

21 Day Clutch Cut --- COMPLETE!!

So, I have successfully completed the Clutch Cut on bodybuilding.com designed by professional athlete Ashley Conrad.

Did I get the results I wanted? Not exactly.
Did I see progress? Absolutely.
Was it worth it? Definitely.

These are my results:

                    Starting                                  Final                           The Math

Weight:          153               Weight:           146.5                Dropped 6.5 pounds
Body Fat %:   25.2              Body Fat% :    24.8                Down .4% body fat
Chest:             37in              Chest:             35in                  Down 2 inches
Arms:             12in               Arms:             11.75in             Down 1/4 inches
Hips:              40.5in            Hips:               38.25in            Down 1.75 inches
Waist:            36.5in            Waist:             35.5in               Down 1 inch
Thighs:           21.5in            Thighs:            21in                  Down 1/2 inch
Calves:           14in               Calves:           13.5in               Down 1/2 inch
Forearms:        8in                Forearms:       8in                   No change
Shoulders:       44in              Shoulders:       41in                 Down 3 inches

That's a total of 6.5 pounds, .4% body fat, and 9 total inches gone from around my body!

I definitely peaked week 2. Start to finish weekly comparison pictures.

These other pictures only compare start day and end day.

Now some of you reading this will be mad and say that I didn't need to lose weight or anything to begin with. Your opinion is just fine. However, I wanted to do this because I want to have a better physique. I wanted to feel strong and capable, and that's what I get when I enter and exit the gym. It transfers over to my entire life. Also, it has created a self-confidence that I haven't had before. With these programs on bodybuilding.com I am examining my body with new eyes. NO, I don't have the physique I desire, but truthfully I'm OKAY with that. Through exercise I have learned to look at my body in a new way. I am LOVING the things I notice about myself. I enjoy seeing my muscles grow and shape up. Its more about feeling better and loving myself as I am currently, but with this the result will end up with me being where I want to be physically. As Dana Linn Bailey says, "This is my canvas. This is my masterpiece."

Here is what I learned about myself (and others) over the last three weeks:

1. I still do not really like lemon water. It makes me feel like I'm drinking old, dirty water.
2. No matter how many people you tell you're doing a strict, clean-eating diet for whatever length of time they won't necessarily understand it. Some of them will actually try to derail you by telling you what they're eating, making foods you love but currently have to avoid, or, in some cases, shoving the food right up to your face and tempting you with a small bite.
3. When I run, I'm more likely NOT to give up when I know the end is near. Actually, during a run I will push myself HARDER when the end is near. Go out with a bang if you will. With this, I wanted to give up the diet during this past week BECAUSE the end was near. My thoughts started turning to, "well its over in 3 days. You can cheat." However, I didn't give in.
4. I learned that I'm able to push out more reps/sets than I think. My MIND stops me.
5. There is a difference between tired and burned out. Also, pushing through soreness and legitimate pain.

The diet & workouts & not getting to where I "desired" to be.

Okay, so I'm not going to lie. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't make as much progress as I wanted. Lo and behold I really only have myself to blame. Here is why:

1. I made up excuses on why I didn't want to go another round of the circuit. I really got tired of the same lift during the last week of the program. I could have definitely, probably done at least one more round with 12 reps minimum of each exercise.
2. I didn't have a personal trainer to call me out on that.
This last point I'm gonna argue by simply saying that this may be true or may not be (Its my own thoughts)
3. This program shreds celebrities down like no other in 3 weeks, but they also have the actual access to Ashley training them, and they are probably already in a low body fat range coming off of a previous movie. At least, a lower body fat range than I was.

Am I disappointed by my lack of fat loss? Not really.
This program was more or less a test of CAN I follow a strict diet plan? Especially if I would like to someday compete in a fitness show. The answer is now --- yes. I can. I did what I wanted.

Trust the process.

So it's been a week since my last update, but I am feeling vulnerable and motivated at the moment. I want to invite you to read this entire entry, even if it ends up being super long, because I'm going to open up to you about who I am and where I'm coming from. Most importantly, I'll show you the inspirations that I am following to take me to where I want to be.

Many, if not all of you, know I moved 2,200 miles away from everything I've ever known to chase a dream to move out west and start my career. I do not regret that decision for one hot second, but I do not know where I'll be in a year from now or longer. So please, don't ask me about my long term goals. Nothing sets off my anxiety more than the unknown and looking too far into the future. I do know that someday I'd like to become more involved in the fitness industry, but I'm not sure exactly how or when that will happen. I do also know that I am learning to trust in the process, however slow it might be, to gain progress both physically and mentally.

Moving out here was extremely terrifying, regardless of all the high-speed technology that allows me to connect with everyone I know. I still, one year later, only know a handful of people, and not many of them understand my need to get into a gym to relieve my stress and anxiety.That's my number one way to cope with life's difficulties that are thrown my way -- exercise until you feel better. I do know that I don't know everything about health, fitness, and proper nutrition for the lifestyle I want to lead, so I can utilize Instagram to my advantage. Through this, I am able to stay focused on where I want to be, while learning a bit more when I'm squeezed for time. I do also hit up bodybuilding.com for an endless amount of great resources as well.

These are the people I enjoy their posts the most and why:

Ashley Conrad -- she is a sponsored athlete for Adidas and a celebrity personal trainer. Her Clutch Cut program is the one I currently follow, and I have been able to learn to push my mind away from its "I'm too tired thoughts" when I know my body can do more. She inspires me because she took a huge risk to design a company while dropping out of med school (I believe it was med school) to follow what was her greatest desire and calling. She has put everything on the line, and made it through to the end. She is incredibly inspiring and positive. I just love her posts.

Dana Linn Bailey & Rob Bailey -- They are incredible people. I admire the Warhouse Gym that they have opened together and the Flag Nor Fail line of clothing they created. Every single time I see an anchor (their logo) I am reminded that I cannot give up on myself. Sure, they've seen hard times, but they have never given up on their dreams and I shouldn't either. Dana's physique is incredible to me because that requires so much hard work and dedication to what she does. You cannot achieve what she has without it. That kind of mindset is admiring. I should also mention that their incredible love for Pitbulls also adds mega bonus points in my book. 

Devin Physique -- I admire him because he has built himself up from literally nothing. He shares his story all the time on instagram, but he flows NOTHING but positive energy. He is teaching me to re frame my mindset to "Yes, I CAN reach my goals." His posts are nothing but positive (even if some are long). I can't stop myself from reading them. And he posts adorable pictures of his puppies also. 

Jamie Eason -- This woman is downright incredible. Jamie has survived breast cancer, and triumphed in the fitness industry. She is a Godly woman, and faced hardship when she and her husband faced what was likely infertility. Now she is a mother to the world's most adorable little boy and really seems to have her life balanced. 

Jessie Hilgenberg -- Jessie seems to have a heart of gold. I love her posts. She is currently expecting her first child with her husband, and has really made a point to continue her fitness routine and posting it for the world to see. I admire that because pregnancy and lifting weights is frowned upon as far as most of the society is concerned. However, she is showing the world that you can still be fit and pregnant. Not to mention, I am DYING to go to her strong camp someday. 

Nate Diesel -- My most recent find on Instagram. This is his transformation, and I haven't been following him very long. I love his posts though, because they make me smile and laugh. He is silly and his personality shines right through. I'm sure he would be a real hoot to hang out with!

Now, all of these people are great to follow on Instragram. However, I don't want you to think I have no one in my life that I can use as a real crutch. My family and friends mean so much to me, and I know that they will catch me when I'm falling. Their support is incredible. I'm learning to love myself and the life I'm living one day at a time. I'm progressing and focusing on loving myself completely (jiggly parts included) and looking toward an even bigger, brighter, future!

Day 5 & 6 -- Cardio & lifting

Sorry I'm late here!! I just kind of forgot. Let me tell you though, that living a certain way that "differs" from the norm (ie. eating anything you want when you want) is something that others cannot wrap their head around! With the clutch cut I have to eat every three hours ... on the dot. So, yesterday I took my almonds with me to mini-golf because I knew I wouldn't be home in time for  my three hour meal time. I got ridiculed for the fact that my almonds were the base of my meal! What this guy didn't bother to ask me was what else I had eaten that day. I specifically designed this day knowing I'd need a fast, quick on the go meal and almonds provided me with the remaining fat, carbs, and protein I needed for the day. I stocked up my other meals earlier in the day. Truth be told, when it came to eating time, I wasn't even hungry! I know I'm getting the nutrients I need for this according to the clutch cut plan, but people don't always understand your lifestyle. You have to hold strong and believe in yourself!

With all that being said, I've woke up tired yesterday and today looking for excuses to not get out of bed at 8 am. But if I don't get up then, I won't have the same routine of eating times. So I get up and get started anyways because we grow outside of our comfort zones. :) I'm anxious to see where my progress is going but I don't want to set foot on a scale because I'm afraid it will hinder my intensity since I'm following the program as close as possible. If I don't see what I think I should see I might be more likely to give into those excuses. So no measuring or anything until day 21!

Cardio was yesterday. It was pretty rough. Got my sweat on! I have to give myself a minute break at the halfway point and then I break up my sprints when I'm super exhausted with a 30 second break (usually the last three sprints & then I have to decrease speed by about .5 because my all out is running out!!). I DO finish the workout because that's what is going to get me where I want to be. Finishing. It may not be exactly according to plan, but I'm getting it done the best way that I can!

Today was lifting. I wanted to try to do four rounds of it, but I only did 3. Why? Because by the third round I would have to rest at about rep 12 for a breath or two and then I would pump out 3 more. Why didn't I just stop at 12? Well, because if I can't do 15 for three rounds without pausing I don't have much business trying a fourth. As long as I am huffing and puffing and pushing myself past my comfort zone and NOT listening to my mind that says, "You're tired. You should stop now." then I can grow. Your mind will talk you out of exercise long before your body is ready to quit!

Day 4 -- I am a winner!!!

CELBRATION!! I made it through four days without breaking diet & no cravings. I also went down to the strip tonight with friends to see a band and I didn't buy anything! Double success! No food (though it smelled good & no drinks -- even socially). That's my issue when things look or smell good! I'm all over them. However, I have been holding up well in the willpower department! I am proud of myself! Yay for small victories!

I should mention that I didn't really want to get up at 8 with my alarm simply to start my day off right & eat. I did. And my workout today was exhausting!

Day 3 -- Rest Day

Well today is marked as a rest day! I wasn't sure how it was going to go because of the not working out as a part of the hourly schedule, but actually its been very relaxing! Tonight, in about an hour and a half, I'm gonna go to a yoga class for the first time in 3 weeks! Ugh! I've missed it!

Thursday I'm going to talk to the Insanity and p90x master trainer for Las Vegas about different opportunities I could use as a second source of income to 1. fuel my dreams and 2. Maybe help me get a new car and/or pay off my student loans. I hope he has the time for me!

Anyway, so day 3 has been going well! I still have no cravings -- for the most part. I have found myself letting my mind wander to things I would love like a doughnut, iced coffee, and frozen yogurt, but I don't want to fall off the bandwagon PLUS I'm saving money by not allowing myself to go off the bandwagon so its a win-win in my book. I've also been tested with my roommate baking brownies (I had a bite but it still fit my calorie/macro count accordingly) and this morning with his delicious smoothies (I turned it down -- so sad.) So I guess I'm learning that my will power is much higher than I thought! It is difficult though living with a basically master chef who makes good eats ALL THE TIME!